JUST SAY NO!

One huge problem people who are overly stressed out
have is the ability to say “No” when they need to. Maybe
your mother wants you to take Grandma to the store, but
you’re in the middle of a big work project. Perhaps your
best friend asks if you wouldn’t mind babysitting her kids
when you’ve already made plans with yourself to get a
haircut.
     There’s no reason why you have to say “Yes” to
everyone. In fact, there are often many times when you
should turn them down. If you find yourself agreeing to do
things when you really don’t want to, you’re a people
pleaser. In general, this isn’t a bad trait to have, but it can
be a huge stressor.
People pleasers think of other people’s needs before
their own. They worry about what other people want, think,
or need, and spend a lot of time doing things for others.
They rarely do things for themselves, and feel guilty when
they do. It’s hard being a people pleaser.
People pleasers hold back from saying what they really
think or from asking for what they want if they think
someone will be upset with them for it. Yet they often spend
time with people who don’t consider their needs at all. In
fact, people pleasers often feel driven to make insensitive or
unhappy people feel better - even at the detriment to
themselves.
            Constantly trying to please other people is draining and
many people pleasers feel anxious, worried, unhappy, and
tired a lot of the time. They may not understand why no one
does anything for them, when they do so much for others -
but they often won’t ask for what they need.
This is the trap I fell into. I found myself always
agreeing to do for others but when I needed those same
people to help ME out, they were curiously occupied.
A people pleaser may believe that if they ask someone
for help and that person agrees, that person would be giving
out of obligation, not because they really wanted to. The
thinking goes - if they really wanted to help, they would
have offered without my asking.
This line of thinking happens because people pleasers
themselves feel obliged to help and do not always do things
because they want to. Sadly, people pleasers have been
taught that their worth depends on doing things for other
people.
          It’s painful being a people pleaser – believe me, I
know! People pleasers are not only very sensitive to other
people’s feelings, and often take things personally, but they
also rarely focus on themselves.
When they do take a moment for themselves, they feel
selfish, indulgent, and guilty which is why they are often on
the go, rushing to get things done. Because people pleasers
accomplish so much and are easy to get along with, they are
often the first to be asked to do things - they are vulnerable
to be being taken advantage of.
People pleasers were most likely raised in homes where
their needs and feelings were not valued, respected, or
considered important. They were often expected as children
to respond to or to take care of other people’s needs. Or
they may have been silenced, neglected, or otherwise
abused, thus learning that their feelings and needs were not
important.
      In many cultures, girls are raised to be people pleasers
- to think of others’ needs first, and to neglect their own.
Many women have at least some degree of people pleasing
in them. Men who identified with their mothers often do as
well.
People pleasers’ focus is mostly on others and away
from themselves. They often feel empty, or don’t know how
they feel, what they think, or what they want for
themselves. But it’s possible to change this pattern and to
feel better about yourself.
      I managed to learn how to break out of this cycle. You
can do the same thing if you see yourself in the above
description. You want to know how? It’s easier than you
think!
First, practice saying NO. This is a very important word!
Say it as often as you can, just to hear the word come out of
your mouth. Say it out loud when you are alone. Practice
phrases with NO in them, such as, "No, I can’t do that" or
"No, I don’t want to go there". Try it for simple things first,
and then build your way up to harder situations.
Stop saying YES all the time. Try to pause or take a
breath before responding to someone’s request. You may
want to answer requests with "I need to think about it first,
I’ll get back to you" or "Let me check my schedule and call
you back". Use any phrase that you feel comfortable with
that gives you time before you automatically respond with
YES.
      Take small breaks, even if you feel guilty. You won’t
always feel guilty, but most likely in the beginning you will.
Remember that your mental health is well worth the
aggravation you may have to take from others. What’s
important is you. When you are healthy, those around you
will be healthy!
Figure out what gives you pleasure. For example, you
may like reading magazines, watching videos, going to a
park, or listening to music. Give yourself permission to do
those things and then enjoy them.
Ask someone to help you with something. I know this is
a hard one but you can do it! After all, everyone else is
asking YOU for favors, why shouldn’t YOU ask THEM? Just
be tolerant if they turn you down. Just because you have
always told them “Yes” doesn’t mean they always have to
tell you “Yes”.
      Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking.
It’s important to be aware of these things; they’re part of
who you are. And then try saying what you feel and think
more often. Just remember to have a little decorum in
certain situations.
Many people pleasers believe that nobody will like them
if they stop doing things for other people. If someone stops
liking you because you don’t do what they ask, then you’re
being used by them and probably don’t want them as a
friend anyway.
People will like you for who you are and not simply for
what you do. You deserve to take time to yourself, to say
NO, and to take care of yourself without feeling guilty. It’s
within your reach to change - one small step at a time!
I think most people would be in complete agreement
when I make this next statement. McDonald’s had it right –
You Deserve A Break Today!